My journey to becoming a healer began in 2001 when I began to look beyond mainstream science and explore other philosophical ideas. This interest developed into a fascination with the relationship between the mind and body and the role our thoughts & emotions play in maintaining or disrupting our health and general sense of wellbeing.
My Healing Journey
In my early twenties a tendency to suffer occasional black moods erupted into a full blown depression. At that point in my life I regarded myself as a primarily intellectual person; a regular 'Dr. Spock'. The idea that I could succumb to an emotional problem such as depression simply wasn't 'logical', in fact I founded it deeply shameful. For two years I kept my head down not wanting to admit my problem to anyone else. Each day was a struggle, everything that had given me pleasure before now seemed bleak and meaningless. At my lowest point even the effort of getting out of bed and brushing my teeth filled me with feelings of despair. Yet I struggled on in my own bleak internal world, not knowing what else to do. Anti-depressants helped me cope, but did little to get to the roots of my dilemma.
Eventually, mainly out of desperation, I decided to seek counseling. For the first time in my life I was encouraged to look inward for answers I had previously only sought outside of myself. It was a revelation to me how I had unwittingly absorbed so many of my parents attitudes and belief systems. It shocked me how I relied upon so many of these 'programs' automatically with little forethought or self-awareness. I had to acknowledge my own dysfunctional attitude toward anger. This was a major blind spot for me and the source of my distress. I had learned to internalise my own anger to the point where I could only direct it at myself. My inner dialogue was appalling; I would constantly belittle myself, nothing I did was good enough and I would berate myself for even the smallest of mistakes. I soon came to realise that I was my own worst enemy!
I realised that my negative attitude toward myself stemmed from an inability to vocalise anger. I remember symbolically confronting my anger in one of my early counselling sessions through role-play. I found this simplistic task surprisingly difficult and highly emotive. The symbolic confrontations with my anger triggered some deep changes over the subsequent weeks. At night I would feel a deep burning sensation open up in the pit of my stomach as the anger I had stored in the cells of my body for years flowed through my system like a firey wave. For a rational minded scientist like myself the experience came as quite a shock. For the first time in my life I was experiencing myself as an energetic as well as a physical being. The release of so much suppressed anger freed up an enormous amount of energy, resulting in a pleasant euphoric feeling that lasted for weeks. While the depression that that had haunted me for two years disappeared like a wisp of smoke. As I gently came back to earth I took time to assimilate these new experiences.
Searching for Answers
Before that point in my life I had never known such a thing was possible. Why had no one told me about this sort of thing before? For someone else in my position this could have been the end of the process, but for me it was just the beginning. Although I was no longer depressed, I realised I was still lost or stuck in some indefinable way. I also began to realise that most other people were in the same position although at best only vaguely aware of this. All I knew was that I needed answers. Something deep inside me had been stirred into action. I realised I was now embarking on a quest for self knowledge, my own healing journey had began...